What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:11
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
So whats the point in blame.
Can you share a story of someone who had a lucky experience while hitchhiking?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I said to her
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why is only the left side of my vagina bleeding, on and off?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But ive been too sick for many years..
She loved him until the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was seconnd youngest,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i lived it daily.
I was 9 years of age.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was very sick at this time too.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
So, i spoilt her more .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .